Honesty

When Chris and I became foster parents 10 months ago I had great aspirations about blogging about the whole process.  But guess what...it hasn't happened.  For one, I honestly just don't have time.  Who knew that being a mommy to two four year olds while working full time could be so time consuming??  But mostly, I just haven't blogged because it's hard to do.  It's hard to put into words what we have felt for almost the past year.  I want my blog to be helpful and inspiring to others but too many times I have felt like I was the one needing help and inspiration.  To be perfectly honest, I was not ready to become a "parent" when I did.  I had a lot I still needed to work through myself and the first few months were hard.  Chris was pretty much a "single parent".  I vividly remember one night crying for hours because I was so entirely overwhelmed by the whole thing.  I remember selfishly thinking that we had lost our "freedom" and that our marriage would never be the same.  But, looking back, I know I was just so afraid.  I was afraid of getting attached and getting my heart broken.  Not to sound overly dramatic but I have experienced heartbreak.  But, I knew, and still know, that losing a child would be far worse than any "breakup" could ever be.  So, I distanced myself- emotionally and physically.  I can still remember days that I would take the long way home from work just to have a few more "alone" minutes. Ok, I realize I'm not exactly putting myself in the best light but I also know that what I experienced is probably not extremely different than other young foster mothers.

One night I was having a particularly hard night and I can remember Chris sitting on the bed and crying with me. He let me have my pity party and then looked me straight in the eyes and said "This isn't about you, Abbie.  It's about two little boys who need a home".  Wow.  That was like salt in my wounds at that moment but honestly, a switch flipped in me.  I realized that no matter how uncomfortable the situation made me, it was not about me.  We are called to look after the orphans and I may have been physically doing that but not emotionally.  It took me a while but those little boys went from being just in our care, to two little boys that I care deeply for.    I will be honest- there are still plenty of hard days.  When the boys act up or throw a fit, it's easy for my selfishness to come right back.  But, more often than not these days, they are just two affectionate little boys who so desperately want to be loved.  I was blinded to that at first but now it's a joy for me to be able to give them the love they deserve.  Do I still worry about what may happen?  Absolutely.  Every day.   But, when we put those little boys to bed at night and listen to them say their prayers, it makes all that we are doing worth it.  Because above all, we want to teach them the love of Jesus.  If they can learn that and it sticks with them, they will be ok no matter where they grow up.

I cannot even count the number of times over the past 10 months that people have told us "what a great thing we are doing".  That has never settled well with me because I know my heart hasn't always been it the right place.  But, I do thank the Lord that Chris and I have been given this opportunity to be a part of what HE is doing- to be the instruments He is using to change the lives of two little boys.  No matter how long it lasts, we are thankful.